Some thoughts as I navigate through the waters of non-monogamy

Prior to stepping out to the other side. I was under the impression that married or attached men would only be interested in sex on the side and would limit their cyber conversations to those topics. I have found that not to be entirely true. Although, all of them would love to get together for sex. Nevertheless, many of them really want someone to listen and discuss with them a lot of different subjects with openness and a non judgemental attitude. I have several men in my life that enjoy political debates. Even when we get together they like to discuss politics and world affairs etc. Their spouses could care less about many of their concerns and they find me refreshing. Of course, it helps to massage their cocks under the table with my foot and give them some looks into my cleavage discretely through dinner etc. Dessert is always a very interesting and often sexy subject.However, the entree conversations many times has nothing to do with sex. What seems to turn the men on is having someone listen and affirm their knowledge and concerns.

I may not be barbie doll sexy. However, I am curvy, able to converse intelligently on many subjects with some refreshing sexual openness thrown in for spice..lol. My husband walked in while I was responding to an email from one of my men. He was shocked that it was a very much a political debate that was going back and forth. "Your not having cyber sex with this guy?" " " No, but we both are enjoying a refreshing conversation about what is being reported in the press." "Go for it" he says as he leaves the room.

Some of my daily cyber with the married men are conversations about our children. Most are Dads with kids that are bright and accomplished. Their lives and schedules do intrude on the play time that the parents have. Their schedules come into play as we try to schedule our time together. Many Dads love talking about their children and are very proud of them. This past two weeks the Dads have been very supportive and have given me all kinds of advice and assistance from completing the FAFSA to other college forms and questions to ask during campus visits. Many of the men in my life want affirmations that they are good Dads, despite the criticism and lack of appreciation that they feel at home from both the kids and the spouse. Being their friend and lover is making me a better wife. I discover that I need to be affirming my husband more. I should tell him more that he is a great Father to the kids. I am still guilty of not saying it enough to him.

But, what I am learning is that there are other needs and interests that people are looking to fulfil besides just sex outside their marriages. When you are lucky you find someone that can meet most of them. However, it is unrealistic to expect someone to meet all of them. I have been able to enjoy my relationship with my husband much more. Now that I don't expect him to meet all of my needs. It was too easy to be resentful and angry. When sex was bad for me and good for him. He has to be just in the right mood to discuss certain topics. But since I know how they bore him. I rarely bring them up. Living without conversations of topics your interested in can also result in resentment even when you try to suppress it. Hubby is very intelligent but is very into sci-fi and other stuff . I can hold my own for most of his interests and share many of them. But to expect each other to meet all our needs was tearing us apart. It did not result in the oneness that most of us in monogamous or formerly monogamous relationships strive for in an idealist way. We are still working through the changes in our marriage and it can be a roller coaster of emotions at times but so far it is working out fine. We are now holding each other close with space allowed for the other to explore and fulfil their needs.

The truth is the biggest sex organ is the brain. The brain needs a variety of stimulus to stay happy and healthy. For some men and women an intelligent mind fuck meets a need and stimulates the rest of them to great sex. To expect one partner to meet all the stimulus needs of the brain and body is an unrealistic expectation that most of us grew up believing and living. It is a hard premise to give up until the emptiness of the expectations hollow promise comes close to destroying a valued relationship or your soul.

It is hard sometimes to not feel hypocritical when I consider my past views or some of what I said to my oldest while discussing sex. But in reality, it is the expectations of monogamy that can be destructive. Monogamy has its place during some stages and times in every ones life. When chosen by two emotionally mature people with good communication skills, healthy expectations and compatible sex drives and desires it can be wonderful. But most of us enter these commitments in the lust and crush stage. We end up pursuing a happy ever after fantasy that has been programmed into us by our families and society. We are frustrated and disappointed when our chosen one fails to live up to the pedestal we placed them on and the relationship falters on the rough waters of unmet needs and desires.

There is a time and place to give to others without concern about your self. But living for years in a partnership that is one sided ends up failing both parties. It usually turns into a dysfunctional co-dependent relationship filled with sarcasm, anger, and resentment that chokes the sexual being out of them. Relationships both monogamous and non- monogamous only thrive beyond the lust and crush stage with mutual respect,communication and a willingness to be open and share ones sexual needs and desires. It also takes a healthy dose of forgiveness, unselfishness and understanding since no one is going to experience either type of relationship without some mistakes and unselfishness.

I learn a lot from the men in my life. They are gifted, successful men who have much of what they want in life materially, career and family wise. But for many they have other needs and desires beyond only the sexual ones that also yearn to be met. It has made my journey through the waters of non monogamy a very interesting one and my email rarely boring.