Trapped

She had often felt trapped over the years. It was hard to explain to her husband. A body that just did not look or act as the soul inside desired it to. He was angry and frustrated. The woman that was so full of life and sex as they dated became distant and their lives sexless. He had no idea of the conflict within and she did not know a way out. He felt hostage to her lack of sexual interest. She felt hostage to a body that she was ashamed to claim as her own.

She looked at pictures of herself an cringed. She found sex to be painful. Her husband touches a source of pain and no longer was their sexual intercourse orgasmic. It had not been in years. She had commented to a doctor about the pain. His only suggestion was that lubrication may need to be increased. He did not get it that the pain was not only vaginal. It was all over her body. Missionary was the worst. Her pelvis, hips ,and knees just screamed "Get off of me" instead of "Fuck me" during the whole act. She let him have sex a few times a year as her wifely duty. She barely endured it. She no longer enjoyed it but deep inside she longed to.

Children,time,and weight had taken their toll. Injuries, falls, lifting kids, and taking care of them was exhausting and abusive to her body. Now, peri-menopause and menopausal symptoms were wrecking havoc with her temperature, periods (some went on for months and then quit and back to being bad again), headaches, and all sorts of pain randomly occurred usually at the most awkward of moments.

Inner pain made each of the physical symptoms worse. The hurt of a husbands' betrayal tore at her soul; for more than one husband had cheated on her. Some of the cheating was humiliating as her family and friends became aware of it. The whole experience left her feeling less valuable and desirable. She had been sexually abused in her teens by a peer; but never wanted to acknowledge it. She buried the pain. She wore her low self esteem with sarcasm and bitter humor. Like a festering wound with an inadequate band aid covering it. The hurtful words from her sarcasm overflowed over onto her husband daily. He hated the sarcasm. It fueled their fights and made a mockery out of the marriage therapy sessions. He left the office feeling his marriage was getting worse after each session.

Her Christian beliefs in being the proper wife also trapped her. It was wrong to go to stores selling sexual toys, lube, and lingerie. Good women were not seen there. It would be a sin to purchase from such a store. She must stay away from everything even close to porn and set a good example for her children. She was horrified when she caught her current husband viewing porn at home. Even if it was a picture sent to him by a friend and history showed no trips to porn sites. She would be horrified, if he went to a sex store, and brought anything home to improve their sex lives. Even purchasing an aid that would make sex less painful for her would result in the third degree dog house. His hands were tied by her beliefs and he would be condemned for trying and made to repent for his sins. He constantly failed her expectations of a Christian, faithful, moral husband. She worked hard not letting her more recent friends know that he was not the moral person he appeared to be. She could not look on the Internet for a way to help each other sexually. It would take her to sites that would offend her and not proper for her position as a good Christian woman. Their therapist supported her to the frustration of the husband. He was always the sinner and she the saint.

But deep inside was a longing to be desired and wanted. She wanted to feel passion and romance. She missed her husband desire as it became obvious he no longer found her attractive. She suspected that he was cheating or would cheat if he got the chance. He was angry that she had cheated early in their relationship and now made herself out as a saint. If he suggested anything she would suspect he had visited sex sites and would lecture him on his sinfulness.

In bed they were a disaster.. She found him to be too hairy and he found her hygiene to be a huge turn off for oral. She was not into a variety of sex positions and the ones they tried hurt, even doggy. He had a hard time getting erect for her because of the turn off. The only way he could get hard was to imagine being with someone else. It drove him to anger that she would not do anything but lay with her legs open and expect him to do all the work. He had no idea how much her body betrayed her and did not cooperate with her. He urged her to practice kegels and she laughed at him. She had long since lost those muscles. She did not even know where to find them again. She had only heard about them in child birth class.

Yes, She was trapped. She was lonely for an intimacy she hungered for; but felt she could not receive for her body, soul, and faith had taken it from her. Of course, she blamed her husband. A man, who felt trapped, in a marriage for which there was no return on investment of the intimacy he desired and no sex either.

What neither of them realized or acknowledged was the real people who were trapped were the kids. Stuck living with two sexually frustrated, angry, yelling, bitter, sarcastic parents that obviously made each other miserable. Yes, they knew they were loved and cared for but living in the crossfire takes it toll. The lack of intimacy and sex resulted in lack of parental teamwork and cooperation. The lack of teamwork fueled more fights and resulted in less intimacy.

So, she lays again in bed feeling hurt and rejected. She stares at the ceiling and then her book. She cannot see the words on the page through her tears. The powerlessness and the pain are all too much. He has driven off to work. He is hurt, angry, and confused about what he did to be in the dog house again. What neither of them realize through their pain and tears is they are both thinking of the same word.. Trapped.